So Valentine’s is right around the bend and you’re wondering what gift to get your man. Remember this, even though Valentine’s Day advertisements are bombarding the airwaves, radio waves and the Internet, his attention goes only as far as to what you want. Don’t ask him or expect him to drop hints about his wants and desires, try and recall his behavioural patterns for the last 11 months and start there. It doesn’t matter the occasion; chances are that you will always invest more attention in it. Birthdays, Anniversaries, Christmas-- a man is going to forget. We actually depend on women to rein us back to the reality that these social conventions strengthen relationships.

So you’ve decided to toe the line and get him some chocolates. While this gesture is one that evokes teary-eyed hysteria among females, for guys, me anyway, beer is the trick. As for the card, what does a card say that you couldn’t? And please don’t read the card over and over out loud as if its meaning would become clearer. Guys, just to be on the safe side, when you anticipate it’s card time poke your eyeball with a smidge of toothpaste. She’ll love you for the teary eyes. Recently, women have started sending their men flowers at work. For some reason or the other I suspect that they assume that the bouquet will speak to his heart as the gesture does to hers. This is incorrect, there are times when giving a man flowers is acceptable like after winning the Kentucky Derby, after winning a fencing tournament or a funeral. However, if the vase that the flowers come in is filled with whiskey, it becomes an acceptable gift at anytime.

Guys spend a lot of time learning the likes and dislikes of their woman. It’s not obvious that we’ve been observing you but we know what you want and that 99 out of 100 times it’s very expensive. And while the ‘Nooo, it’s the thought that counts’ sentiment is willing itself to spring from your gullet, ladies, you know this to be a lie. I’ve been called thoughtless enough times to know you got to pony up the dough. Machel said it before and I’ll say it again ‘Boy, SPEND YUH SALARY’. In the same vein ‘bussing yuh pocket’ on your man is a good approach, however, know what to spend it on. Whatever you buy it must be the latest, most shiny, powerful doohickey that you can afford to starve for a month over. It’s either that or copious amounts of beer and pelau. But if given a choice we’ll take both.